When I left you last, I mentioned that May’s conversations were going to revolve around the topic of insecurity. Because I am not an incredibly open person, it is difficult for me to put into specific words the issues with which I am battling… However, I will do my best this week to confide in you, my readers, the woes of “fleeting confidence.”
Now, your question at this moment may very well be, “What is ‘fleeting confidence..?'” There’s two meanings behind this term: as it sounds, an amount of confidence that is easily lost due to any varying stimuli; or, an ephemeral feeling or belief that once inspired a considerable amount of confidence. These two definitions, while vastly different depending on your own belief of what “fleeting confidence” may now mean, are representative of how torn I am between issues, and how that affects my life. For an example, I would like to introduce a situation which eats away at me greatly…
For this example, I must needs introduce my darling girlfriend; for the purposes of this blog, I will call her “Olive.”
I should preface this paragraph with the fact that I am completely in love with my significant other. I cannot imagine life without her, as she is truly my reason for living. That laid plain, Olive and I have been working through numerous issues lately. Many of them revolve around the fact that I am not comfortable in my own skin; even though she tells me constantly that I am enough—that I am handsome, and perfect in her eyes—I cannot internalize it. This is problematic for both of us, because one feels like he will never be worthy of her love and adoration, and the other is feeling discouraged because her words are not recognized.
In this last week, I have done better about accepting and believing her words; though I am not one to accept complements, I am trying my best because I know that she says these words out of love…she believes them to be true, so, why can’t I? And, while that builds up my confidence, I still often think that I need to do more to better myself for her; that I need to change my appearance, how I act, and what I should be doing for her so that she will love me more, and so that I can accept things as truth. To her this is ridiculous… and I am wont to agree, but again, my inner struggle of acceptance leads to this major insecurity. I worry that she will one day find someone more handsome, and charming, and I will be left alone again…
I know these scenarios will not occur. At least, I hope that they will never occur. But the alarms inside are wailing at full timber. I cannot explain why I have this worry, but it is truly debilitating. And this is the biggest issue with which I am doing battle. To me, my fears of performing music, or getting into graduate school, pale in comparison to the woes of losing Olive.
Thus is my “fleeting confidence” shown to all.