In the last post, I talked about my girlfriend Olive, and how her words seem to be falling on deaf ears due to my lack of confidence. I am doing my best to control my emotions, and to give myself growth opportunities, but as with anything worth having, progress is not easy to attain. Disbelief, while already an issue which is debilitating, it is exacerbated by the fact that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders…
By stating “weight of the world on my shoulders,” I mean to say that I set incredibly high (and difficult) standards for myself. This is because I believe that I need to be the person everyone needs; I need to be the comforter, the one who encourages, the best friend, the coffee buddy, and the chauffeur. I am built to absorb the many woes people suffer from, and to assuage their many worries as I am capable.
In lieu of this, I have put myself on a lofty pedestal. I aim to achieve a doctorate degree in choral conducting. I intend to work at a college or university, writing music and building a respectable choir program. I want to be a great fiance (and, eventually, husband) to Olive. My goal is to provide a stable home and life for my family; I want to have children with Olive…but how many is still a question we have yet to answer. I eventually want to open my own (legitimate) game design company, and music studio. And, as a cherry on top, I want to have this all happen before I turn 40.
Now, you are probably sitting here, reading this and thinking I am insane. You would probably be correct in assuming this; I have been known to work myself sick…
What makes all of these goals problematic is not the fact that I do not believe I can achieve them. It is, instead, the fact that I am already working so hard. I am constantly putting in 25-40 hours a week at work, while pushing myself to accommodate a 20 credit hour semester at school. I am a very needy person, as is Olive, and we are constantly spending every moment we can together, which includes my days off. (I am not complaining about that, I love being with her. It is simply on my list as an example of time constraints.) I am currently doing a balancing act, trying to stay on my parents’ good side, while simultaneously working toward moving out of their house. I am dedicated to two major confidential projects which have strict deadlines, and require many hours of work for continual progress. This all while maintaining a semblance of a budget, and social life.
As you can see, my plate is quite full. In fact, my plate is so full that, if I make any sudden movements, the contents will spill over and I will be picking up the pieces. Luckily, I will not be picking up the pieces alone, thanks to Olive. Yet, I still do not want to be the unlucky sod who has to rebuild his “plate,” so-to-speak, from nothing. I want to achieve my goals, and I know I need to prioritize…still, it is difficult to do so when you are constantly taking on so much ALL THE TIME.
Whew. That was a lot of griping. I know that things will get better. To be successful while taking on so much, I must divide and conquer. With Olive’s help, I am doing my best to be as strong and available to my friends as possible. It is trying sometimes, but I will not be crushed under the weight.