Last post, I was talking about the intensity of the emotional weight with which I burden myself constantly; from friends, to work and school, and my relationship with Olive—this stress and pain a lot to cover, and cope with. Still, with the help of my very loving girlfriend, we are able to get through everything. The best part is, it does not matter what it is we go through, we always come back stronger than before. As you might have already gathered from the direction of this intro, today’s post is going to focus primarily on my relationship… I hope you can follow me through my mind’s maze.
Recently, we have had a lot of up’s and down’s. I have struggled very much with my emotional well-being, as I have been so stressed about my new job (which I started yesterday!), and being a stable provider and boyfriend. We have been struggling with money lately, as any young couple in college does…but we have so many plans that are going to be expensive. I am not terribly worried that we will be able to figure everything out, it is simply the stress involved, since Olive is now having to do her own job search.
We have pushed up engagement, moving in together, and our wedding by several months. We have tried to haggle with our parents, which has only left both of us upset and questioning ourselves… What has been getting to me, lately, is the constant changing of our plans. We finally had some solid ideas about what we were going to do for our living situation; three of us (Olive, myself, and our good friend, Carlos) were going to rent an apartment/townhome together. We were going to split all the costs 33% each, split up duties, and make it work.
Yesterday, Olive’s parents decided to have it out with her about getting engaged too soon, and not taking enough time to really date me. They complained that we do not have the means to be on our own, and we should be married before we live together. Since we are also both religious, I am tasked with being a spiritual leader in Olive’s life, and being as devout in my faith as I can possibly be for our family.
Okay. That was a lot. Now I have some input to throw into the mix… First off, I hate changing plans; I am one of those people that puts so much effort into making sure one plan works well that I get very angry when it fails. I always have backup plans, and ways to make sure my initial intentions work out, but the initial shock really hurts me. That said, when Olive’s parent’s opinions came into the mix and basically destroyed our timeline, I was, needless to say, pissed. Why? Not necessarily because I disagree with what they’re saying, but because just a week ago, Olive’s mom was incredibly supportive. Why the change of heart? Your guess is as good as mine…
All I know is, I am just tired of having to battle both of our parents. Mine are maniacle in their demands, but seem to be letting up some lately, since I refuse to talk about anything regarding my relationship anymore. I am also tired of battling every bad emotion in my system as a result of all of these issues, which make me feel like I am not worthy in her parent’s eyes. Would that I had more confidence, but such is the topic of this month’s posts…insecurities. I want a plan I can stick to. I love my girlfriend to death; she is my reason for living, and I can wait as long as it takes for her. I just do not want unrealistic expectations, or to get my hopes up to have those dreams come crashing down…
I hope that you managed to follow me through my mind’s maze. It is quite a mess at this point. I hope that, if you stick with these posts, the next post will be more succinct. Thank you for reading! Until next time~